Epitaphs

Here lies Fallin A. Parte
Lost her teeth, sight & hearing
and soon she couldn't even walk
but then she really lost it all
when she found she couldn't talk!

Here lies Risa Yeast
Her last words were:
"Pardon me for not rising!"

Here lies Otto B. Alive
His last words:
"What happened?"

Here lies I. B. Knappin
Shhhh!

Here lies Willy Rott
Faithful husband of
Betty Will-Rott

Here lies Betty Will-Rott
Odds are she was
a loving wife to Willy Rott.

Here lies Diane Rott
Loving daughter of
Willy Rott and Betty Will-Rott

Here lies Fester N. Rott
He kept all his problems inside
Where they ate at him til he died.

We think here lies M. T. Tomb
But you know what happens
when you start to assume!

In Memory of Barry D. Bones
He was here but. . .
his dog retrieved him!

Here lies I. B. Chump
He sowed, others reaped.

Here lies Dr. Izzy Gone
Pronounced men dead
when they died,
And the last time
went along for the ride.

Here lies Doobie Ghoulish
Lost his head acting foolish

Here lies I. B. Gone
He was taking off
but her husband was faster!

I. M. Back
AKA Count Dracula

Here lies Tom Thumb
He lived the big life
in a small way.
Til he got stepped on
one fateful day.
(put this on a very small stone)

Here lies Jess Gough
His wife yelled his name
and he obliged!

In memory of Wil B. Back
He went away with Frosty.

Here lies R. U. Next
When they called his name
he said, "No way!"
But they took him anyway!

Here lies Lea Ning
She lived a life slightly tilted,
right up to the day she wilted.
(Put on a tilted tombstone.)

Here lies Justin Thyme
He's usually late,
but made this date!

Here lies I. Emma Spook
She got her new fangled
sheets in a big tangle.

In Memory of Kerry M. Off
Fought valiantly,
but the ants won!

Here lies I. Emma Ghost
She tried to walk
through a lamppost

Final resting place of
Mark A. Place
X marks the spot.

Here lies Barry M. Deep
Wife said put him 10' deep,
cause he was hard to keep!

Here lies Berry D. Hatchet
He was a cratchety old soul.
We finally buried him in this hole!

Here lies Lefty B. Hynde
Ran off with a slut
leaving his wife behind.
But his wife caught up!

Here lies Reid N. Weep
Said his dealing was done in fun,
but those he'd dealt to had a gun!

Here lies Ruther B. Goffin
Golfing is what he did for fun
and finally got a hole in one!

Here lies Ruther B. Fishin
When the big one got away
He jumped in
and tried to take him anyway!

Here lies Ted N. Buried
Teased his Mom about her lisp,
and now old Ted is but a wisp!

Here lies Yul B. Next
His last words: "I can't go now,
just married Yetta Nother,"
And now they're here together!

Here lies Yetta Nother
Married Yul B. Next
and now here she is.

Here lies Jaws
His bite was bigger than his bark,
but fate caught up in the dark!
(Put on a tombstone with a big bite taken out of a corner.)

U. R. Gone
Finally!

Here lies Sue D. Bum
She tried to sue
Slime from the maffia.
But he knew the judge
who said, "Off with ya."

Here lies Hammond Eggs
He  had a green pig
and a green hen
And he turned green
before he went!

Here lies Bill M. Lader
All thought he
was well-heeled,
But collectors
chased as he keeled!

In memory of M. T. Box
He was slick as a fox!

Here lies John Borden
Loving father to Lizzy Bordon
May he rest in pieces.

Here lies Justin Pieces
He met up with Lizzy
and she went off in a tizzy!

Here lies I. M. Nekid
The bill his wife
forgot to pay. . .
They come and
took his suit away.

R.I.P. Van Winkle
Rest In Peace

Here lies Manny Bones (or sub Rattle M. Bones)
You can hear him roam
with creaks and groans.

Mummy B. Ware
His life began to unravel.

Will B. Hire and Ida Rose Hire
"They didn't just expire
They rose up higher."

Here lies Dawn Under
She always said:
"Any day above ground
Is a good day!"

Here lies Ben Dover
He came up
and hit his head
and then he
keeled right over!

Here lies I. B. Workin
Office upstairs.

Here lies B. A. Ghoul
They made fun of his drool.
He challenged them to a duel
and he lost!

Here lies Always Wright
He married a pretty little lass
who was full of pep and sass.
She proved him wrong
and he hit the gong!

Here lies Jack B. Quick.
He tripped over the candlestick!

Here lies Merry Macon.
"Getting there is half the fun!"

In Memory of Tread B. Gone.
He was recalled.

Here lies Fido.
He couldn't swallow that last bone
And now he's gone to a happier home.

Here lies Walter Dudley.
He found out too late,
Dobermans ain't cuddly.

Here lies Bill Boller
He got ran over
by a steam roller!
(Make the tombstone very tall & narrow
to match the flattened Bill Boller.)

Here lies Mary Lass.
She missed the brake
and hit the gas!

Here lies Henry Blake
He stepped on the gas
instead of the brake.

I was Fred.
Now I'm dead!

Here lies Mary Aster
She should have j-walked
just a little bit faster!

Here lies C. Dracula
(We hope!)
Died 1236
And 1342
And 1458
And 1527
And 1635
And 1703
And 1823
And 1995

O. Ithurts
Here I lie
And no wonder I'm dead,
for the wheel of a semi
ran over my head.

Here lies Lester More.
4 shots with a 44.
No Les, no more!

Here lies Count Dracula
Fangs for the Memories!

Here lies the father of 29.
There would have been more
but he ran out of time!

Here lie I bereft of breath,
because a cough carried me off.
Then a coffin they carried me off in.

Ima Yak
Here lies my wife.
I bid her goodbye.
She rests in peace
and now so do I.

Here lies Ron D. Vous
He met up with death.

Here lies Gil A. Teen
A tisket, a casket,
His head is in a basket

Here lies Smiley.
We buried him today.
He lived the life of Riley
when Riley was away.
But Riley returned, by golly!

Once I wasn't.
Then I was.
Now I ain't again!

Bill D. Lyar
Here lies Bill.
He always lied,
And he always will.
He lied once too often
And now he lies still!

Miles O'Beard
When your razor is dull
but you need a shave. . .
Think of the man
who lies in this grave!

Rest in peace Cousin Huet.
We all know you didn't do it.

Here lies good old Fred.
A great big rock fell on his head.

Dearly departed Brother Dave
He chased a bear into a cave.

Here lies dear old Brother Thor.
He couldn't take it anymore.

Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by the sword, and died by hemp.

Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp
Who lived by wool and died by hemp.

Here lies I. B. Crisp.
Fixed the toaster with a knife
and got the shock of his life!

Shirley B. Gone
I TOLD you I was sick!

Here lies the body
of old Margaret Bent.
She kicked up her heels
and away she went.

She always said
her feet were killing her,
but nobody believed her.

Barry A. Live
Here he lies
but he never died!!

Here he lies
cold and hard,
the last darn cat
that pooped in my yard.

Tomb it may concern
Here I lie.

R.I.P
Alone at last!

When I am dead and in my grave,
and all my bones are rotten.
While reading this you'll think of me
when I am long forgotten!

Phil Thee-Rich
Here lies a miser who lived for himself,
who cared for nothing but gathering wealth.
Now where he is and how he fares,
nobody knows and nobody cares.

"That's All Folks"
Mel Blanc
1908 - 1989

Speedy Demon
He failed his breathalyzer test
and now he lies with the rest.

Anthony Drake
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake
Who died for peace and quietness sake.
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin,
So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.

Here lies my wife in earthy mold,
Who when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking,
Lest she should wake and rise up talking!

Bea Quick
May ye be in heaven an hour
before the devil knows you're dead.

On the 22nd of June
Jonathan Fiddle
went out of tune.

Here lies C. Anna Slip
Here lies the body of dear Anna,
done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
but the peel that made her go.

Here lies Tannis Hyde
His last words were
"Two things I love most,
good horses and beautiful
women, and when I die I hope
they tan this old hide of mine
and make it into a lady's riding
saddle, so I can rest in peace
between the two things I love most."

Professor I. N. Struct
School is out.
Teacher has gone home.

Here lies Owen Moore
Gone away
owin' more
than he could pay.

In Memory of Ezekiel Pease
He is not here
but only his pod.
Shelled out did Pease
and went to his God.

Here lies A. Brighton Penny
If you're short on cash
and don't have any,
dig six feet deep
and you'll find a Penny.

Wil B. Late
Here beneath rest the ashes
of a man who was in habit
of always postponing
everything until the day after.
But at last he improved did he,
and really died Jan. 31, 1873.

Here lies Mia Doolittle
Last words:
So much to do, so little done.

Ima Tunn
Open, open wide ye golden gates
that lead to the heavenly shore.
Father suffered in passing through
And mother weighs much more.

Here lies Sue
Age 102
The good die young!

Anonymous
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
of yours.

In Memory of Ole Piney Wood
Here lies one Wood
enclosed in wood,
one Wood within another.
The outer wood is very good.
We cannot praise the other

Here lies Ann Mann.
She lived an old maid
and died an old Mann.

In Memory of Mr. Peter Daniels
Beneath this stone and lump of clay
lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
who too early in the month of May
took off his winter flannels.

Here lies Foote N. Mouf
Last Words:
Either that wallpaper
goes, or I do.

I. Gotya
You can be a king or a street sweeper,
but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.

James Wyatt
At rest beneath this slab of stone
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt.
He died one morning just at ten,
And saved a dinner by it.

In memory of Bea Goode
All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon I was gone.
Death does not always warning give.
Therefore be cautious, how you live.
Repent in time, no time delay.
In my youth I was called away.

"If you would not be forgotten,
As soon as you are dead and rotten,
Either write things worthy of reading,
Or do things worthy of writing."
--Benjamin Franklin, May 1738

Here lies Skare D. Kat
Snuck up on the witch
& booed her cat
The witch caught up
And he went splat!

Here lies I. B. Goblin
Adults feared him.
Kids jeered him.
Adopted, he never fit in.
Now he's happy with his kin.

Here lies Ima Gobblin
Always had a big hunger and thirst
Finally drank and ate 'til she burst.

Here lies the mouse
that ate my cheese. . .
Feet straight up,
pretty as you please!

Here lies I. B. Smokin.
He made an ash of himself.

Miss N. Cranium
She fell out of bed
and off rolled her head!

O. M. Jones
Here lies the bones
of Old Man Jones.

Jack O. Lantern
On a cold windy night,
Poof, out went his light!

Here lies Rig O. Mortis
With his wife had a tiff
And now he is a poor old stiff!

Here lies Stone Cold
Lost his hold
And got knocked out cold!

I. M. Gonn
Vacancy

C. Yalater
R.S.V.P.

Here lies Ima Gonner 
Her husband caught her
with her other!

Here lies Dedd N. Gonn
Gone but not forgotten!

Hal O. Ween
The epitome of fright.
Born October 31st, year unknown
Died October 31st, year unknown

Here lies I. M. Agoner
Bet all his money on
a horse that had been fast
But then that horse
fell and came in last!

Here lies poor ole Flynn
Liquor and women did him in!

Here lies Ben Better
"Things may be coming up roses
But I could be better I supposes."

N. A. Coffin
Had a coughin' fit,
Just couldn't quit!

I. M. Gone
Do ya miss me?

Here lies Frank N. Stein
In a box of mismatched pine.

Here lies Jimmy Hoffa
Still hiding from the maffia
(Put it a little hidden by itself.)

Here lies Count Dracula
Bat's all folks!

Here lies I. M. Broke
He contentedly
died penniless. . .
with great timing,
no more, no less!

Here lies Jim Migg,
who cordially invites
you to dig!

Here lies Mary Berms
She used to worry about germs.
But now the germs (and her)
are being eaten by worms!

I. M. Vacant
Add your name here!

Here lies the Pillsbury Dough Boy,
May he rise again!

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well I bet
Since it's well fed
By you below!

Here lies Mary Lagged
She should have zigged
When she zagged!

Here lies I. M. Slick
It does our hearts much good
to see you in a box of wood!

Here lies Myra Manes
But her mind is. . .
off wondering again.

Bea Fraid
She always found the
dark to be a fright.
Wouldn't go anywhere
without her nightlight.
(Get clever and hook a nightlight
up on a tombstone!)

Here lies Drinke N. Driver
He took time from work,
by bourbon required.
Then he took to the road
and now he's semi-retired.

Here lies I. M. Adedman
She caught him in bed
and now he's dead.
His wife used a gun
and blew away his fun!

Here lies the popular,
Kevin O'Tool,
who thought it was cool
to smoke in school.

Here lies a Hell's Angel
Still a wandering and revvin'
Cause he's too cool for Hell
but still too hot for heaven.

Here lies Al E. Kat
Caught a fishbone in his throat
And now he sings an angel's note.

Here lies Vlad the Impaler
He used to swallow swords for fun
Til he bit off more than he could chew,
And that time became the last one!

Wuzza Cheeter
In loving memory
from your grieving widow
You slept with them all
Now lets see where you go!

Here lies three blind mice.
They chased after the farmer's wife
And the farmer didn't think it was nice!

Farewell my young companions all.
From death's arrest no age is free.
Remember this, a warning call.
Prepare to follow after me.

While living men my tomb do view,
Remember well, there's room for you.

Stop by my friends as you pass by,
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now you some day will be.
Prepare for death and follow me.

A time ago I stood there with you,
And viewed the dead as you do me.
Before you know it, you'll be here too
While others stand and gaze at thee.

Pearl E. Gates
When they opened those gates
Pearl canceled all her dates!

Here lies Les More.
No less, no more.