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A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a
The penalty for bigamy absolutely is NOT worth it!!!!
Just imagine. . . two mothers-in law!!!
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on
Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four
days." She looked at him and said, "Wow, I wish I
had your willpower."
One day, a little girl looked at her
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your
hairs white Momma?" The mother replied, "Well, every
time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
one of my hairs turns white. The girl thought about this
revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come
*all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a
middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with
hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting
the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him
what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
I have found in dealing with men (on any subject of
importance) that they usually suffer from a terminal disease
they were born with called "cerebral constipation!"
There's no cure - you just have to deal with their
"We've been married a year and we never fight. If
there's a difference of opinion and I'm right, my husband
"But what if he's right?"
"That's never happened."
Q. How do you identify a bald eagle? A. All his
feathers are combed over to one side.
CHINESE EBONICS Are you harboring a fugitive?(Hu Yu Hai
Ding?) Approach me. (Kum Hia) Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai) Small
horse ( Tai Ni Poni) Prices are too high here ( No Bai Dam
Ting) Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan) I
bumped into a coffee table ( Ai Bang Mai Ni) Have you
considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat) You try saving
electricity? (Wai So Dim?) Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
Inquiry to determine if bus is due ( Hao Long Wei Ting?)
Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy) You're
blowing your diet ( Wai Yu Mun Ching?) Keep out of the pond (
Noh Wei Ding) Tow-away zone ( No Pah King) Don't you know
anything by Cole Porter? ( Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?) You are not
very bright ( Yu So Dum) I have a press pass (Ai No Pei) I
don't deserve the death penalty ( Wai Hang Mi?) You're
suffering from chronic halitosis ( Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao) Remain
out of sight ( Lei Lo) Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah) Did
someone fertilize the field? ( Hu Flung Dung?) Your body odor
is offensive (Shu Man Go) They are approaching ( Hia Dei Kum)
Four strangers traveled together in the same
compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced
each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70
year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and
jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen
yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a
fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very
mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly
decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the
Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about
trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and
there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until
the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the
kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the
ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with
their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't
it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there
are still young women who have a little self-respect and
dignity?" The young woman, shaking her head and greatly
puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man
in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when
I'm sitting here?" The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore
face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man
in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking,
"What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private
can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major
in the face and get away with it!"
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and
asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her
60 bucks, she was shocked, "I only pay 50 bucks for my
own haircut," she said with disdain. "But you don't
bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied.
A Businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed
a case study of his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and
presented the results to the class. "After a few days of
observation, I quickly determined the practices that were
robbing her of precious time and energy," the man
"Taking note of how many trips she made from the
kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I
suggested that in the future she carry several items at a
time." "Did it work?" the teacher asked.
"It sure did," replied the businessman.
"Instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast,
it now take ME just seven."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher
was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a
lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead."
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger
noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!"
posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old
hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He
asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he
replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That
certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the
world would you post that sign?" "Because,"
the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter
of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl
kittens." "How did you know?" his mother
asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath he
replied. I think it's printed on the bottom."
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His
mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said,
"Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked
up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me,
Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher
said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two
fingers." A little voice from the back of the room
asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery
store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened
the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the
table. "What are you doing?", his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken
the boy explained. I'm looking for the seal."
"Can people predict the future with cards?"
"My mother can." "Really?" "Yes, she
takes one look at my report card and tells me what will
happen when my father gets home."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He
read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and
flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned
to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's
Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from
her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN."
"Where's the English Channel? " "I don't
know, our television doesn't pick it up."
President Clinton was giving a lesson to an elementary
school about tragedies. He asked the class for an example of
a tragedy. Mary raised her hand and answered, "If I
broke my leg it would be a tragedy!"
No, President Clinton answered, "That would be an
accident but not a tragedy."
Tommy interjected, "If my house burned down that
would be a tragedy!"
"No", President Clinton said. "That
would be a great loss, but not a tragedy."
Johnny nervously raised his hand. "Well, if the
plane carrying you and Mrs. Clinton crashed that would be a
"Very good!" President Clinton complimented
him. "Now can you explain how you came to that
"Well by elimination", Johnny said. "It
wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great
A man was wandering down the aisles of a drug store
with a confused look. A clerk asked if she could help.
"Yes," my wife sent me for Tampons," he said.
The clerk sent him in the right direction and was surprised
when he later brought a bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string to the register.
"Weren't you looking for
Tampons?" she asked. "Well, it's like this,"
the man told her. "Last night I sent me wife out for
cigarettes and she came back with loose tobacco and paper and
told me to roll my own."
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man
driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They
pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so
me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven
pints. And then there was something called "Happy
Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite
good. I had four or five o' those.
Then I had to drive me
friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of
Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the
way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man
fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of
whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed,
and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of
the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the
man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very
rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among
other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first
premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against
the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the
cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The
insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge
agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless
that the man held a policy from the company in which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed
that it would insure against fire, without defining what it
considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and
costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the
ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost
in "the fires".
After the man cashed the check,
however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous
case being used against him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to
24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital
who were laying next to each other? The first kid leans over
and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second
kid said, " I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous." The first kid said," You've got
nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put
you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The
first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a
circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had
that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Politics - from the words "poly," meaning
"many," and "ticks," as in "small,
The strong young man at the construction site was
bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He
made a special case of making fun of one of the older
workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth
is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can
haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that
you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old
man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
The old man reached out and grabbed the
wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man,
he said, "All right. Get in."
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems
for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off,
and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a
big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the
driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat
down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet
three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he
didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The
next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again,
made a show about not paying, and sat down. And the next
day, and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the
bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John
was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no
longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had
become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got
on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the
driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed,
"And why not?" With a surprised look on his face,
Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, "We were the first in
space!" The American said, "So, we were the first
on the Moon!" The Blonde said, "So what! We're
going to be first on the Sun!" The Russian and American
looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't
land on the Sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian. To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid,
you know. We're going at night!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not
just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw
the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these
creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the
woods to set the poor animals free.
One of Microsoft's top technicians signed up for target
practice at a local firing range. At the rifle range, he was
given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired
several shots at the target. The report came from the target
area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The
Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target
again. "Hmmm," he thought, "I'll get to the
bottom of this in no time."
He looked at the rifle
again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still
loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud
of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the
dust. "Yep, it's working," he concluded. The
technician yelled out to the others at the target end,
"The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to
be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to
Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen,
one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry
about our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but
we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later
the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and
the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry
... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later
the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and
our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't
worry ... we still have one engine left."
A young blonde
passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked,
"If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all
An angry wife was complaining about her husband
spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her
along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I
don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So
the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his
down in one go.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from
her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, it's nasty
poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can
drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried
the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right
in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you
were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at
night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled.
"They misspelled my name!"
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At
the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and
joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of
poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit
golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult
for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told
the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced
him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate
Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a
golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let
him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and
said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton
hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping
just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A
420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at
the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they are beautiful.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a
divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a
two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of
a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story
house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is
'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of
Having her hair done at a West Hempstead, NY, beauty
parlor, a woman told a cautionary tale about racial
prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience. On a recent
weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related, she won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break
from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel
dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her
room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she
told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the
As she was about to walk into the elevator she
noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them
was big... Very big... An intimidating figure. The woman
froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like
perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully
black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear
immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She
felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read
her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about
joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face
burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty
effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the
elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then
another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and
about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured
from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the
floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The
bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and
collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained
down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
seconds passed. She heard one of the men say, "Just tell
us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words
out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She
lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached
down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of
the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that
he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't
mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am. He spoke gently. He bit
his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of
myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt
out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to
two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though
they were robbing you? She didn't know. The 3 of them
gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking
her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet,
and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into
her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back
to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled
herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room
~ a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one
hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best
laugh we've had in years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy
Boo Hoo! Christmas has been canceled this year and IT'S
ALL YOUR FAULT! Someone told Santa you had been good and he
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign
directly above the sink. It had a single word on it --
"Think!" The next day, when he went to the men's
room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately
above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered
another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the
tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local
church. Before the services started, the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . .
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was
in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years!"
Why The Little Angel Is At The Top Of The Christmas
Tree On Christmas Eve
Santa Claus was getting ready for his
annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on,
they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another
pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the
rest of the preparations.
The elves were on strike. The
reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.
He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the
bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there
was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored
it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of
this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with
rage--threw open the door.
Standing there was a little angel
who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this
Christmas Tree?" And that's how the Angel ended up on
top of the Christmas Tree!
Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one
morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was the worst
cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there
were three of those little green army men in her cup.
Puzzled, she asked "Honey, what are the army men doing
in my coffee?" Her grandson answered "Grandma, it
says on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your
Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers
were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was
dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered
into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking
equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators
continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy
trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock
bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at
an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola
fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at
midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a
new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
3 new bonds are being issued:
Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
Gore bond: Has no interest
Clinton bond: Has no principle.