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This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me
because I wasn't quite 4 years old when it happened. My
mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the
bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I
read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she
was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in
the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts
she told me that those were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day and my
folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for
Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were
gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they
returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom,
who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place
setting on the table with a "special occasion"
napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on
top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't
hang off the edge.
My mother asked me why I used these and of
course my response sent the other adults into further fits of
laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special
News Paper Classifieds
The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard- to-find
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person
to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in
variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your
home for $1.00.
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he
is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of
peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. 'Do you mind if
I have a few peanuts?' he asks the lady. 'Help yourself,' she
replies. After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to
leave and notices that he has eated almost all of the peanuts
in the bowl. 'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I
only meant to eat a few.' 'That's okay,' says the lady,
'Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck
the chocolate off of them.'
Three friends die in a car crash, they go to heaven to
an orientation. They are all asked, "When you were in
your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?"
first person says, "I would like to hear them say that I
was a great doctor of my time, and a great family
The second person says, "I would like to
hear that I was a wonderful teacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last person
replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S
How do you keep a blonde in suspense? I'll tell you
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian
dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one
youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for
good luck." A third child brought the argument to a
close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly,
"to find the fire hydrant."
~~~ A Plea for Help! ~~~ With the giving season
approaching, please look into your heart to help those in
need. Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball
players in our very own country are living at or just below
the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious!) And, as if that
weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several
weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the current
But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a
month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a
large screen projection TV) you can help a basketball player
remain economically viable during his time of need. This
contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely
covers the yearly league minimum, ...but it's a start!
$700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a
basketball player it could mean the difference between a
vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.
For you, seven hundred dollars is about a month's rent or
mortgage payment. But to a basketball player, $700 will
almost replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than
$700 a day will enable a player to buy that home
entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new
Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M
HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial
report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about
his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment
holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get
information on how he plans to invest the 5 million lump sum
he will receive upon retirement.
Plus upon signing up for
this program, you will receive a photo of the player unsigned (for a signed photo, please include an additional
$50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of
other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your
basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND
who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player
won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls
to your home via a special operator just in case additional
funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player.
My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the
cost of a specific team (Cheerleaders not included.))
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one
Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for
a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike.
Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored,
along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players
Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call
1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone.
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player
they have sponsored, either in person or by other means
including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters,
e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball
player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his
free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions
are not tax-deductible.
As printed in the Wall Street Journal:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press
Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the
flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her
mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover
turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing
files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for
magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found
that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her
defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from
the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his
troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The
customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the
phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the
door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-
shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax
a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen
and hitting the "Send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new
program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead.
"Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer
replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man
said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up
his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a
day, then removing all the keys and washing them
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who
was enraged because his computer had told him he was
"bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the
computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support
couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring
the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what
happened when she pushed the power button. Her response,
"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be
the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she
pressed the power switch, she asked "What power
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid.
It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of
sight. Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still
a good portion left for Mal to take care of. When asked why he
had not just stored it all, Mel said, . . . "The rest is
for Mal to hide."
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
..... 10. Cats/dogs facial expressions
..... 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different
..... 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
..... 7. Fat clothes
..... 6.Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best
..... 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and
..... 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
..... 3. Eyelash curlers
..... 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
..... 1. OTHER WOMEN.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is
doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland,
Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every
year Stumpy said" Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride
in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say
"I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten
dollahs." So Stumpy
says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't
go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "
Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten
dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears them and
says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both
up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and
not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and
it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go.... the
pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives,
but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still
nothing... so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a
stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think
of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy
replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha
fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
Four old women were having coffee. The first woman
tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second
woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third
old woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'". Since the
fourth woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give
her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says
"My son is 6'2"; he has broad, square shoulders;
he's terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he
walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God..."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him
to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says,
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really
indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
A little boy watched as his Mom smeared cold cream on
her face. "Whatcha doing?" he asked. "Trying
to get beautiful," she answered as she grabbed for a
tissue and began wiping it off. "Giving up
already?" he asked.
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack
your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" She says,
"Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the
mountains?" He replies, "I don't care...Just pack
your bags and get the heck out!"
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats/dogs
facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in
different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat
clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best
time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made AND, the
Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN.
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all
the things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take
it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,
"you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man.
"Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one
day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when
they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
while enjoying their "freedom." As they were
crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of
ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the
minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi
covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies
had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister
and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather
than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know
about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York
City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a
priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the
crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then
out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and
of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman,"
says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St.
Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night
I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the
octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down,
leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn
voice:"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."
Found this on the web and think most moms can relate! A
few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school,
another mother I knew well, rushed up to me. Emily was fuming
with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?"
she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really
have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question.
It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's
license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman
recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had
hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I
mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a
job, or are you just a ......?" "Of course I have a
job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We
don't list "mother" as an
occupation..."housewife" covers it," said the
I forgot all about her story until one
day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our
own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman,
poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title,
like "Official Interrogator" or "Town
"And what is your occupation?" she
probed. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply
popped out. "I'm....a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk
paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as
though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly,
emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with
wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black
ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask,"
said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in
your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my
voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing
program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory
and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and
out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family)
and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the
job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any
mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24
is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most
run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction
rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of
respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood
up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into
our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was
greeted by my lab assistants---age 13, 7, and 3. And
upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six
months) in the child-development program, testing out a new
vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on
bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as
someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than
"just another......" Home...what a glorious career.
Especially when there's a title on the door!
"The most overlooked advantage of owning a
computer is that if they foul up there's no law against
whacking them around a little."
1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They
rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4.
They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play
they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone,
they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every
whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts. Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny
women in cheap fur coats!
Two guys are approaching each other on the sidewalk and
both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they
meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points to his right
foot and says, "Land mine, Vietnam, 1969." The
other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Dog
poop, 20 feet back, lookout."
What did the Mama ghost say to the baby ghost? Answer:
Don't spook until you're spooken to.
Q. What is the penalty for bigamy? A. Two
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day
when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10
bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift
from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention
was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger
who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be
in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped
it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't
despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window
to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a
puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the
The next day she was in her cell saying her beads
when she was told that a man at her door
insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily
dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he
handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for
he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming.
Don't Despair paid 5-1."
True Story: The woman in question, a cute blonde as it
happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway
Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window
and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going
to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball." He
replied: "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he
realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on
his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start
her car for several minutes.
A quite sobered up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to
a long boring sermon. Feeling still hung over and tired he
finally nods out hoping no one will notice. The priest has
been watching him all along and at the end of the sermon
decides to make an example out of him.
"Who in this room
would like a place in heaven please stand up" he
exclaims. The whole room stands up except of course for one.
Obviously displeased he now says loudly, "and he who
would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP."
man catching only the last part, groggily stands up only to
find that he's the only one standing up. Confused and
embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on
here father but sure seems like you and me are the only ones
standing for it."
The doctor was examining the elderly lady and asked if
she had any health problems. "No. The only thing I can
possibly think of is that I've been farting a lot lately, but
since they don't smell and you can't hear them, it doesn't
bother me," she said.
He gave her some pills and
instructed her to come back in a couple of months. On the
next visit he inquired how she was doing. "Well",
she complained. "Every since I've been taking those
pills my farts have been smelling really bad".
"Good!" said the doctor. "Now that we've got
your sinuses cleared up, we can work on your hearing."
How big is a zebra? Answer: 25 sizes larger than an A
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down
a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck,
sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and
handing him the keys, "Yours is."
This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner.
During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how
attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of
the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the
bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the
young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship
with my housekeeper is purely professional."
week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says,
"Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The bishop
says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just
to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear
Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from
my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the
bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads:
"Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep
with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not'
sleep with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if you
were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy
ladle by now."