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Two little brothers who were notorious for pranks
developed such reputations that eventually they were blamed
for anything that went wrong whether they did it or not.
Finally their mother went to the preacher and asked him to
talk to her sons. The preacher agreed to give them a little
sermon, but one at a time.
She sent the youngest son first.
When he walked in the preacher looked him over, and asked in
a firm voice "Where's God?" The little boy didn't
answer and the preacher raised his voice, "Where's
God?" The little boy was speechless. This time the
preacher bellowed out in his most thunderous voice,
Shaking the boy ran out and all the
way home. He ran upstairs to his brother's room and
breathlessly cried out "We're in big trouble now! God's
missing and they think we done it!"
President Calvin Coolidge once invited friends from his
hometown to dine at the White House. Worried about their
table manners, the guests decided to do everything that
Coolidge did. This strategy succeeded, until coffee was
served. The president poured his coffee into the saucer. The
guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and cream. His
guests did, too. Then Coolidge bent over and put his saucer
on the floor for the cat.
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to
prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering
plate. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000
bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately
shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to
personally thank the person who placed the money in the
plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to
the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her
how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in
thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes
brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to
the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
A man who had been lost and walking in the desert for
days finally collapsed on the doorstep of a missionary. The
missionary nursed the man back to health and, once the man
was well, gave him directions to the nearest town and loaned
him a horse. "There's a special thing about this
horse," the missionary said. "You have to say
'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
"Sure, OK," the man said, anxious to go and only
half paying attention. "Thank God," he said and the
horse started walking. Then he said, "Thank God, thank
God," and the horse began to trot. Feeling brave, the
man said, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God,
thank God." The horse took off, as fast as it could
move, the guy hanging on for dear life.
Then he saw, to his
horror, a cliff coming up. He did everything he could think
of to make the horse stop. Whoa! Stop! Hold on!"
Suddenly he remembered and shouted, "Amen!" The
horse stopped just four inches from the edge of the cliff.
The man leaned back in the saddle and sighed, "Thank
Q. How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to replace
a light bulb? A. None. They declare darkness as a new world
True Story: My four-year old grandson was over tonight.
The little angel was acting up and his mother threatened,
"I'm going to count to three." Now most parents can
relate to this and it usually worked for my children, but
Nathan hasn't a care in the world. "Just count to
two," he said. "I'll just count TO ONE!" she
shot back. "Okay," he said. "Count backwards.
. . two, one."
A pirate goes into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender, curious about his various ailments, asked how he
lost his leg, as he had a peg leg. The pirate answered
"Aye, Me ship went down and a croc got me 'fore I could
swim to land. I got the best of him, though," and he
held out the croc's eyeballs.
Then the bartender asked him
about his arm, as he had a hook for a hand. The pirate
answered, "Aye, Me ship raided another ship and I got
into a sword fight with one of the mateys on the other ship,
and he cut off me hand. I got the best of him, though,"
and he held out the man's arm.
Then the bartender asked about
his eye, as he had a patch over one eye. The pirate answered,
"Aye, it was a beautiful sunny morn. Not a cloud in the
sky. We were about to dock, and I was peerin' up at the
beautiful sky, when a seagull came and crapped in me
eye!" The bartender asked, "A seagull crapped in
your eye and you lost your eye?" To which the pirate
responded, "Well, it was me first day with the
An attorney, on his deathbed in the hospital, asked for
a Bible and frantically began flipping through it. "What
are you doing?" asked the nurse. "Looking for
loopholes!" replied the attorney.
A group of project managers were given the assignment
to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the
flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling
off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing
is just a mess.
A programmer comes along and sees what
they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of
the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives
the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
the programmer has gone, one manager turns to another and
laughs. "Isn't that just like a programmer, we're
looking for the height and he gives us the length."
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant
approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and
requested she move to economy since she did not have a first
class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, beautiful,
I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!"
to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the
copilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!"
returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should
do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I
know how to handle this." He went to the first class
section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately
jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself,
"Why didn't anyone just say so?"
flight attendant and the copilot asked the captain what he
said to her" The captain replied, "I told her the
first class section wasn't going to New York."
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a
business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail
back home to his wife, Kaye. Unfortunately, he mistyped a
letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Faye Johnson,
the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
preacher's wife took one look at the e- mail and promptly
fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed
to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure
is hot down here."
Ole and Lena got a letter about the town's snow removal
policy. It said if there were more than two inches of snow at
night, the plows would come. On odd days they were to park the car on the
left and and on the even days park it on the right side of
the street. The first night the town got three
inches of snow. Ole said, "we have to park the car on
the right." Next night, four inches. Lena told Ole to
put the car on the left side. Night three came and there was
no snow. Ole said to Lena, "I guess we can park the car
in the garage tonight."
With all of this talk going on about Viagra, I thought
I'd tell you about what happened just outside of town here. A
shipment of Viagra was hijacked at gunpoint and the police
have set up a massive manhunt since the hijacker is now
believed to be a hardened criminal.
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She
doesn't know which one to buy so she just grabs one and goes
over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart
"associate" standing there with dark shades on. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I am blind but
if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything
you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6 foot graphite rod with a Zebu 202
reel and 10 LB test line. It's a good all around rod and reel
and it costs $20." She says, "That's amazing that
you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the
counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in
the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but
then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was
her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only
He rings up the sale and says, "That will
be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was
$20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is
$20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of
traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her
Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When
he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and
smirk and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he
turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of
course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what
about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She
replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the
Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he
survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said,
"Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in
heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can
ask him," replied the lady.
Bill and Hillary are making a trip to the countryside.
Suddenly they run out of gas and they stop at a gasoline
station. When Hillary sees the owner of the station she gets
out of the car, runs to the man, gives him a hug and kisses
When they continue their journey, Bill asks: "Who
was that guy?" Hillary answers, "That was a boy I
used to date while in high school". Bill starts to smile
and says, "Well, you must be really lucky that you
married me and not him. Otherwise you would now be the wife
of a gasoline station owner!"
Hillary smiles and
replies, "No my dear, you are the lucky one. If I would
have married him, he would be the president of the United
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off
to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and
hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll
just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply
had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her
voice, and asked her question. "Will I be
True Story: When my grandson was about two or three, he
called and asked me to go the the mall. I told him, "Not
today" and he persisted to know why. "Oh, I guess
I'm just being a stick in the mud today", I answered.
Then I heard him tell his Mom, "Grandma can't come,
she's stuck in the dirt!"
Tourist accidentally drove his car into a ditch in a
desolated area. Local farmer happened by, determined problem,
and went to get his horse, "Buddy". Hitched Buddy
up to the car and YELLED: "Pull, Nellie, Pull!".
Buddy didn't move. ..... Farmer then hollers: "Pull,
Buster, Pull!"..... Buddy didn't move. ..... Farmer then
hollers: "Pull, Coco, Pull!"...... Buddy didn't
move. ..... Then the farmer yells: "Pull, BUDDY,
Pull!". .... And the horse easily pulled the car up out
of the ditch and back up on to the highway. ..... The tourist
was most appreciative and also quite curious. He asked:
"Why did you call your horse by all those other
names?"...... .... The farmer's response: "Oh -
Buddy is blind. If he'd thought he was the ONLY one
pulling,--- he wouldn't even have tried"......!!! :-)
TRUE STORY: We don't all speak the same
"language".. some times based on our interests,
hobbies, or businesses. Case in point: ........ Was at a
social gathering a few years back. Several of "us
gals" were standing in a group talking about arts and
crafts in general... one lady in the group I'd noticed didn't
say much; but seemed content to listen in. After several
minutes of discussion about paint brushes and the merit of
different brands, in a passing comment I said: "That
reminds me; I need to get a new STYLUS". .............
The lady who had been so quiet piped up: "OH. LET ME
GIVE YOU THE NAME OF THE GAL WHO DOES MY HAIR. SHE'S REALLY
GOOD!!!!!". -----It took me a second to get it: She'd
obviously thought I said: "I need to get a new
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
>>> A: They take the psycho path. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: How do you get holy water? >>> A: You boil the
hell out of it. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: How does a spoiled rich
girl change a lightbulb? >>> A: She says.
"Daddy, I need a new apartment!" +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Q: What did the fish say when when he hit a concrete wall?
>>> A: "Dam." +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do
Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? >>> A: Polaroids. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do prisoners use to call
each other? >>> A: Cell phones. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q:
What do you call Santa's helpers? >>> A: Subordinate
Clauses +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do you call four bull
fighters in quicksand? >>> A: Quatro sinko.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
>>> A: Spoiled milk. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do
you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? >>>
A: Frostbite. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do you get when you
cross an elephant and a skin doctor? >>> A: A pachydermatologist. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What lies on the
bottom of the ocean and twitches? >>> A: A nervous
wreck. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: Where do you find a no legged
dog? >>> A: Right where you left him!
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
>>> A: Because they have big fingers.
My five-year-old son and six-year-old daughter were
always arguing about who was to be first. First ice cream
cone, first seat, first one for anything. I told them about
how in the bible it says that the first will be last in
heaven, and the last will be first. "Now, do you want to
be first?", I asked my boy. "No.", he replied.
And not wanting to take any chances, he said, "I want to
A nude woman walked past two men to the pool in a
nudist colony. Her tan lines revealed the outline of a very
tiny bikini with elaborate criss cross straps across the
back. Sighed one of the men, "I'll bet she sure looks
good in a bathing suit!"
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start
"An Arm and A Leg" Adam was walking around
the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely and he heard a loud
voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said
he didn't have anyone to talk to. Then the loud voice said he
was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
said, "This person will cook for you and wash your
clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in
the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not
nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and compassion
Adam asked, "What would a woman
like this cost me?" The answer was, "An arm and a
leg." Adam then asked, "What can I get for just a
rib?" THE REST IS HISTORY!!!
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of
getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with
a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator
and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start
making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in,
"Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the
stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my
The third one responded, " Well, I'm
glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she
rapped her knuckles on the table. Suddenly, a confused look
came across her face and she said, "Someone's at the
door, I'll get it!"
"I don't know what to wear to the costume
party," said the son-in-law. "We're asked to dress
according to the kind of work we do." "Wear
loafers!" his mother-in-law suggested.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" the doctor asked.
"All over," said the woman. "What do you mean,
all over? Be more specific." The woman touched her right
knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that
hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again
yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched
her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," she
cried. The doctor observed her thoughtfully and asked,
"Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes."
"I thought so. You have a broken finger."
A small two-seater Cessna 152 airplane crashed into a
cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish
Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so
far and expect that number to climb as digging continues
into the evening.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him
to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Two men were hunting in the forest when they came
across a huge black bear running toward them. One guy drops
to the ground, opens up his backpack, pulls out a pair of
tennis shoes and puts them on. The other fellow says,
"You're crazy, you can't out run a bear." The man
in the tennis shoes stands up, starts running and yells over
his shoulder, "I don't need to, I just need to out run
Another True Story: When my daughter was
about three, she was the flower girl in her aunt's wedding.
We held our breath that she would walk down the aisle. She
did so flawlessly. When everyone was in their places and the
bride and groom were about to take their vows, Karen turned
around and looked at us. My husband whispered to her to turn
around and motioned with his hands in a twirling fashion. She
grinned, held out the full skirt of her long dress, and
delightfully began twirling in circles!
TRUE STORY: I took my son with me to a doctor's
appointment. He managed pretty well for awhile, as we sat
waiting for "my turn". Soon, as with most 4 or 5
years olds, he got bored. Finally he gingerly got down from
the chair in which he was sitting and walked over to a
partially open door that had a sign on it.
He, quietly in a
child's voice, read the sign out-loud a few times: "REST
ROOM". "REST ROOM". "REST ROOM".
Somewhat timidly, he pushed the door open wider and peered
in. Then he turned around and announced loudly to the whole
waiting room: "There is no body resting in there. It's
just a bathroom!".
TRUE STORY: My son was 3 or 4 years old. Our family
attended church for a special Easter service, which included
a guest, the "district" pastor who was seated in
the back rows. Our regular minister, at end of service, began
the benediction. Near the end of the benediction, he
announced that to close the service, the district pastor
would take over.
On cue, in a big booming voice from the back
of the church, the visiting pastor began to speak and then
paused. In that blink-of-an-eye pause, my son stood up in our
pew and yelled: "Listen, everybody; it's GOD!".
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throats for some time and felt that this was
their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's
office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor
for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without
anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles
an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
The marriage counselor looked over at the
husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the
husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a
week!" The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called
out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous
father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm
doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be
in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet
another wee one to come yet." Sure enough, within
minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "No, no, don't
be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It
seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and
asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Two blokes decide to go duck
hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting
before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't
understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?" His
friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think
we're throwing the dog high enough."
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes
to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man
replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you
a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for
the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I
want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that
day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck,
furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my
money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right
now, then I want my dollar back!"
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS
medicine?.............It's the one with bite marks on the
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in
two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned
alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?" "Henry had a stroke of some
kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" "A tough call," nodded the hunter,
"but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to
be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with
us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to
be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied,
"I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit
still and listen.