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Two little brothers who were notorious for pranks developed such reputations that eventually they were blamed for anything that went wrong whether they did it or not. Finally their mother went to the preacher and asked him to talk to her sons. The preacher agreed to give them a little sermon, but one at a time. 

She sent the youngest son first. When he walked in the preacher looked him over, and asked in a firm voice "Where's God?" The little boy didn't answer and the preacher raised his voice, "Where's God?" The little boy was speechless. This time the preacher bellowed out in his most thunderous voice, "Where's God?" 

Shaking the boy ran out and all the way home. He ran upstairs to his brother's room and breathlessly cried out "We're in big trouble now! God's missing and they think we done it!"


President Calvin Coolidge once invited friends from his hometown to dine at the White House. Worried about their table manners, the guests decided to do everything that Coolidge did. This strategy succeeded, until coffee was served. The president poured his coffee into the saucer. The guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and cream. His guests did, too. Then Coolidge bent over and put his saucer on the floor for the cat.


One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. 

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. 

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."


A man who had been lost and walking in the desert for days finally collapsed on the doorstep of a missionary. The missionary nursed the man back to health and, once the man was well, gave him directions to the nearest town and loaned him a horse. "There's a special thing about this horse," the missionary said. "You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." 

"Sure, OK," the man said, anxious to go and only half paying attention. "Thank God," he said and the horse started walking. Then he said, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse began to trot. Feeling brave, the man said, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God." The horse took off, as fast as it could move, the guy hanging on for dear life. 

Then he saw, to his horror, a cliff coming up. He did everything he could think of to make the horse stop. Whoa! Stop! Hold on!" Suddenly he remembered and shouted, "Amen!" The horse stopped just four inches from the edge of the cliff. The man leaned back in the saddle and sighed, "Thank God!"


Q. How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to replace a light bulb? A. None. They declare darkness as a new world standard.


True Story: My four-year old grandson was over tonight. The little angel was acting up and his mother threatened, "I'm going to count to three." Now most parents can relate to this and it usually worked for my children, but Nathan hasn't a care in the world. "Just count to two," he said. "I'll just count TO ONE!" she shot back. "Okay," he said. "Count backwards. . . two, one."


A pirate goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, curious about his various ailments, asked how he lost his leg, as he had a peg leg. The pirate answered "Aye, Me ship went down and a croc got me 'fore I could swim to land. I got the best of him, though," and he held out the croc's eyeballs. 

Then the bartender asked him about his arm, as he had a hook for a hand. The pirate answered, "Aye, Me ship raided another ship and I got into a sword fight with one of the mateys on the other ship, and he cut off me hand. I got the best of him, though," and he held out the man's arm. 

Then the bartender asked about his eye, as he had a patch over one eye. The pirate answered, "Aye, it was a beautiful sunny morn. Not a cloud in the sky. We were about to dock, and I was peerin' up at the beautiful sky, when a seagull came and crapped in me eye!" The bartender asked, "A seagull crapped in your eye and you lost your eye?" To which the pirate responded, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."


An attorney, on his deathbed in the hospital, asked for a Bible and frantically began flipping through it. "What are you doing?" asked the nurse. "Looking for loopholes!" replied the attorney.


A group of project managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. 

A programmer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. 

After the programmer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like a programmer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."


On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!" 

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!" 

The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" 

Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked the captain what he said to her" The captain replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."


Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Kaye. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Faye Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. 

The preacher's wife took one look at the e- mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."


Ole and Lena got a letter about the town's snow removal policy. It said if there were more than two inches of snow at night, the plows would come. On odd days they were to park the car on the left and and on the even days park it on the right side of the street.  The first night the town got three inches of snow. Ole said, "we have to park the car on the right." Next night, four inches. Lena told Ole to put the car on the left side. Night three came and there was no snow. Ole said to Lena, "I guess we can park the car in the garage tonight."


With all of this talk going on about Viagra, I thought I'd tell you about what happened just outside of town here. A shipment of Viagra was hijacked at gunpoint and the police have set up a massive manhunt since the hijacker is now believed to be a hardened criminal.


A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to buy so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I am blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." 

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6 foot graphite rod with a Zebu 202 reel and 10 LB test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it costs $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." 

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. 

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."


There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights. 

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." 

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.


Bill and Hillary are making a trip to the countryside. Suddenly they run out of gas and they stop at a gasoline station. When Hillary sees the owner of the station she gets out of the car, runs to the man, gives him a hug and kisses him. 

When they continue their journey, Bill asks: "Who was that guy?" Hillary answers, "That was a boy I used to date while in high school". Bill starts to smile and says, "Well, you must be really lucky that you married me and not him. Otherwise you would now be the wife of a gasoline station owner!"

 Hillary smiles and replies, "No my dear, you are the lucky one. If I would have married him, he would be the president of the United States now."


During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." 

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"


Computer Tech Support


True Story: When my grandson was about two or three, he called and asked me to go the the mall. I told him, "Not today" and he persisted to know why. "Oh, I guess I'm just being a stick in the mud today", I answered. Then I heard him tell his Mom, "Grandma can't come, she's stuck in the dirt!"


Tourist accidentally drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Local farmer happened by, determined problem, and went to get his horse, "Buddy". Hitched Buddy up to the car and YELLED: "Pull, Nellie, Pull!". Buddy didn't move. ..... Farmer then hollers: "Pull, Buster, Pull!"..... Buddy didn't move. ..... Farmer then hollers: "Pull, Coco, Pull!"...... Buddy didn't move. ..... Then the farmer yells: "Pull, BUDDY, Pull!". .... And the horse easily pulled the car up out of the ditch and back up on to the highway. ..... The tourist was most appreciative and also quite curious. He asked: "Why did you call your horse by all those other names?"...... .... The farmer's response: "Oh - Buddy is blind. If he'd thought he was the ONLY one pulling,--- he wouldn't even have tried"......!!! :-)


TRUE STORY: We don't all speak the same "language".. some times based on our interests, hobbies, or businesses. Case in point: ........ Was at a social gathering a few years back. Several of "us gals" were standing in a group talking about arts and crafts in general... one lady in the group I'd noticed didn't say much; but seemed content to listen in. After several minutes of discussion about paint brushes and the merit of different brands, in a passing comment I said: "That reminds me; I need to get a new STYLUS". ............. The lady who had been so quiet piped up: "OH. LET ME GIVE YOU THE NAME OF THE GAL WHO DOES MY HAIR. SHE'S REALLY GOOD!!!!!". -----It took me a second to get it: She'd obviously thought I said: "I need to get a new STYLIST"............!


Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? >>> A: They take the psycho path. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: How do you get holy water? >>> A: You boil the hell out of it. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? >>> A: She says. "Daddy, I need a new apartment!" +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What did the fish say when when he hit a concrete wall? >>> A: "Dam." +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? >>> A: Polaroids. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? >>> A: Cell phones. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? >>> A: Subordinate Clauses +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? >>> A: Quatro sinko. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? >>> A: Spoiled milk. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? >>> A: Frostbite. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? >>> A: A pachydermatologist. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? >>> A: A nervous wreck. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: Where do you find a no legged dog? >>> A: Right where you left him! +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? >>> A: Because they have big fingers.


My five-year-old son and six-year-old daughter were always arguing about who was to be first. First ice cream cone, first seat, first one for anything. I told them about how in the bible it says that the first will be last in heaven, and the last will be first. "Now, do you want to be first?", I asked my boy. "No.", he replied. And not wanting to take any chances, he said, "I want to be second."


A nude woman walked past two men to the pool in a nudist colony. Her tan lines revealed the outline of a very tiny bikini with elaborate criss cross straps across the back. Sighed one of the men, "I'll bet she sure looks good in a bathing suit!"


How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.


"An Arm and A Leg" Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely and he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. 

He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." 

Adam asked, "What would a woman like this cost me?" The answer was, "An arm and a leg." Adam then asked, "What can I get for just a rib?" THE REST IS HISTORY!!!


Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." 

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." 

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Suddenly, a confused look came across her face and she said, "Someone's at the door, I'll get it!"


"I don't know what to wear to the costume party," said the son-in-law. "We're asked to dress according to the kind of work we do." "Wear loafers!" his mother-in-law suggested.


A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" the doctor asked. "All over," said the woman. "What do you mean, all over? Be more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," she cried. The doctor observed her thoughtfully and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes." "I thought so. You have a broken finger."


A small two-seater Cessna 152 airplane crashed into a cemetery early  this afternoon in central Poland. Polish Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


Two men were hunting in the forest when they came across a huge black bear running toward them. One guy drops to the ground, opens up his backpack, pulls out a pair of tennis shoes and puts them on. The other fellow says, "You're crazy, you can't out run a bear." The man in the tennis shoes stands up, starts running and yells over his shoulder, "I don't need to, I just need to out run you."


Another True Story: When my daughter was about three, she was the flower girl in her aunt's wedding. We held our breath that she would walk down the aisle. She did so flawlessly. When everyone was in their places and the bride and groom were about to take their vows, Karen turned around and looked at us. My husband whispered to her to turn around and motioned with his hands in a twirling fashion. She grinned, held out the full skirt of her long dress, and delightfully began twirling in circles!


TRUE STORY: I took my son with me to a doctor's appointment. He managed pretty well for awhile, as we sat waiting for "my turn". Soon, as with most 4 or 5 years olds, he got bored. Finally he gingerly got down from the chair in which he was sitting and walked over to a partially open door that had a sign on it. 

He, quietly in a child's voice, read the sign out-loud a few times: "REST ROOM". "REST ROOM". "REST ROOM". Somewhat timidly, he pushed the door open wider and peered in. Then he turned around and announced loudly to the whole waiting room: "There is no body resting in there. It's just a bathroom!".


TRUE STORY: My son was 3 or 4 years old. Our family attended church for a special Easter service, which included a guest, the "district" pastor who was seated in the back rows. Our regular minister, at end of service, began the benediction. Near the end of the benediction, he announced that to close the service, the district pastor would take over. 

On cue, in a big booming voice from the back of the church, the visiting pastor began to speak and then paused. In that blink-of-an-eye pause, my son stood up in our pew and yelled: "Listen, everybody; it's GOD!".


After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

 Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. 

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."


In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. 

"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. 

Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"


Two blokes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any. One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?" His friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."


A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." 

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"


How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?.............It's the one with bite marks on the cap!


A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck. "Where's Henry?" "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."


After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.


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