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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

In Melbourne, one of the radio stations paid money ($100-500), for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. One listener netted $300 with a real doozy...Here's her story, as she told it: 

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about thirty five minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. 

As most women do I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. 

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My, we have taken a little extra effort this morning haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. 

The rest of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning, the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mum - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink.... ....It had all my glitter and sparkles in it".

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in cyberspace? 1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list, saying that, "We are all using light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list." 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brands of light bulb work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to collate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say that this is just what this list was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb. 38 votes proclaiming the advantages in using vintage light bulbs.

An individual (gender of choice) walks into hardware store and spots a tall shiny object. Asks clerk: "What is that"? Clerk responds: "That is a Thermos". Individual asks: "What does it do?". Clerk replies: "It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot". Individual excitedly says: "WOW. I'LL TAKE IT!". Next day, individual goes to work. Boss comments on new Thermos. Individual says, "YEAH! It's really great! It keeps COLD things COLD and HOT things HOT!". Boss says: "I already know that. I brought soup in mine today. What do you have in yours?". Individual replies: "Two cups of hot coffee--- and a Popcicle!".

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." 

"No, it's not that. Today  is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. 

I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" 

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. 

Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. 

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist gave him a rather concerned look as he tried to share his perspective: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".

"Never hold a cat in one hand --and a Dustbustser in the other". "No matter how hard you try -- you can't baptize a cat!". "Every life should have nine cats!".

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. And on another note, if men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

A know it all college professor and a blonde are seated together on a long flight. The professor sees easy money and asks her if she wants to play a game. She looks hesitant so he explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5 and then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $50." 

She agrees. "Okay", he says. "What is the distance between the earth and the moon." Without a word she pulls $5 from her purse and hands it over to him. "Your turn," he smiles slyly. 

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" she asks. He thinks and thinks, then searches his computer files, taps into the net with the air phone, searches the Library of Congress and e-mails his friends. Finally he gives up. Handing her $50 he asks, "What is it?" She cooly reaches into her purses and hands him $5.

DOS computers are by far the most popular worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Dolly Parton says "Blonde jokes don't bother me. I know I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde!" Why are blonde jokes so short? Answer: So men can understand them.

One morning a teacher noticed that a little boy in the back of the classroom was extra-figidity. She went back and asked him what was wrong. He explained that he had just been circumcised recently and that it was very itchy. 

The teacher told him to go call his Mom. So he went to the principal's office and came back. When he came back he was unzipped and quite unpresentable. "Didn't you call your Mom?", she gasped. "Yeah", he answered. She said that if I can just stick it out til noon she'll pick me up!

There were two old ladies sitting on a park bench enjoying the afternoon sun, when one lady turns and says, "We have been sitting here so long, my butt has went to sleep." The other old lady replies..  "I know, I heard it snoring."

Name a twelve letter word that is typed entirely with the left hand when typing normally. Name a word from which you can remove 4 letters and still have the same word.  Answer is under the fold!


stewardesses and queue

Two ladies were sitting in the doctor's office and one was admiring the other's ring. "Oh what a gorgeous ring! Did Henry buy you that before he died?" The other replied, "Why no! After Henry died, I found an envelope of money in the dresser drawer with a note attached. It said, "Here is enough money to bury me and to buy a nice stone!"

Once a millionaire invited his three sons and their wives home for Thanksgiving dinner. As they sat down at the dinner table, the millionaire father said, "As you can all see, there is something missing from this table. I have no grandchildren. Therefore, the first one of you who provides me with a grandchild will receive a million dollars. Now, let us pray". The father asked the Thanksgiving blessing and when he finished, he looked up and there was no one left at the table.

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. 

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

 "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF*** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Letter From Camp 
Dear Mom & Dad: 

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. 

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. 

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. 

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the Highway Patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. 

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. 

Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. 

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10 per pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

Two elderly women in a nursing home were interested in two elderly gentlemen, living in the same home, but try as they might, they couldn't get the attention of the men. Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea. "Why don't we strip off our clothes, and streak past them in the TV room?" The second woman agreed that this might work. 

The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way. One man turned to the other and said, "Joe, was that Irma that just ran past us?" The other one said, "I think so, but what the hell was she wearing?" The first one said, "I don't know, but it sure needs ironing!"

WHERE AM I? A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. 

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC(Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. 

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. 

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. 

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"

Joe the plumber passed away and met St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter consulted his arrival list, shook his head, and said "I'm sorry, but I don't see you here, Joe. Let's consult my second directory." After reviewing the second directory, and not finding Joe's name again, he said, "I'm sorry, Joe, but I'm afraid we're going to have to send you down." Although upset, Joe accepted his fate and departed. 

A couple of weeks later, God was reviewing His Master list and noticed the name of Joe the Plumber was not checked off. He rang for St. Peter and asked, "Where is Joe?" St. Peter turned red and stammered, "but, Joe wasn't on our arrival list! We sent him down!" God, annoyed with this information, instructed St. Peter to get Joe back up immediately. St. Peter got on the hot line (get it?) to Satan, explained the problem, and asked for Joe to be returned. 

Satan replied, "Are you kidding? Joe here has been our friend! We have hot AND cold running water now! Next week he's installing air conditioning!" St. Peter begged, but to no avail. Finally, God Himself got on the direct line. "Look, Satan," He said, "Joe belongs up here. He led a good life, and he deserves the best in the hereafter. Now send him up!" 

Satan chuckled, at which point God said, "Now look here, if you don't send up Joe RIGHT NOW, I'll --- I'll ---- I'll SUE!" Satan laughed even harder and said, "Oh, yeah? Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

There once was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship they had a perfect wedding and of course a perfect life together. One snowy Christmas Eve, they were driving along a winding road, when they noticed a sleigh had ran off the road. There stood Santa with a huge bag of toys. Of course this couple, being perfect, loaded up Santa and helped him deliver the toys. Unfortunately the road got slippery and there was a bad accident. Only one of them survived. Who was it? 

Answer: The perfect woman. Everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus and of course there is no perfect man! 

Males's Rebuttal: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. That explains why there was an accident to start with!

A Near Death Experience Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.

What gets wetter, the more it dries?  Answer is scrambled:  wetol

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations", said the teacher. "You may go home." 

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." "John F. Kennedy", says another little girl before she could finish this quote. "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go." 

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny muttered to his neighbor "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. See you Monday."

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. 

I was stopped at the traffic light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed - that bumper sticker really worked! I found a lot of people who loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting "Go Jesus Christ, Go!" 

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window, waved, and smiled to all these people. There must have been a guy there from Florida, because I could hear him yelling something about "Sunny Beaches" and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant and they kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that was a Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

 A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the traffic light had changed and I stepped on the gas - a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

DYING MAN'S LAST REQUEST A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. 

A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer, doctor and clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. So the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America, and he asked for their forgiveness. 

The doctor, moved by the gentle clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8,000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. 

By this time, the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000!

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. 

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

 The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Did you hear about the blonde that just bought an AM radio. It took her two weeks to find out it played at night! 

How do you know when a blonde sends you a fax? There's a stamp in the corner. 

How do you know when a blonde has been sending e-mail? There's envelopes stuffed in the disk drive. 

How do you know when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies? There's M&M shells all over the floor.

Taters and more taters! Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called ... "Dick Tators." 

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called ... "Speck Tators." 

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called ... "Comment Tators." 

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called ... "Agie Tators." 

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called ... "Hezzie Tators." 

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called ... "Emma Tators." 

Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called ... "Sweet Tators." 

Then some of these people that are commonly known as tators have children. They are called ... "Tator Tots."

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner, Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said, "I have an announcement to make." "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!" The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?" "I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" 

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement." "And what might that be?" asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!" "You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?" "I'm marrying an Idaho," beamed the middle daughter. "An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" 

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make." "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation. "Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!" "Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?" "I'm marrying Dan Rather!" "Dan Rather?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

Three blondes were walking along the beach when an old corked bottle washed ashore. They opened it and out popped a genie. He thanked them profusely since he had been captive thousands of years and offered them each one wish in appreciation. "I wish to have my IQ raised by 20%," said the first blonde. "Easy," said the genie and poof, she was a brunette. The second blonde thought that was rather drastic so she said, "I'd like to have my IQ raised by 10%." "Okay," said the genie and poof, she was a redhead. Now the third blonde REALLY liked her hair color so she said, "Just LOWER my IQ by 20%." "If you insist," said the genie. And poof she was a man! 

The more there is, the less you see. Answer is scrambled:  rnksesad

The man who made it, doesn't want it. The man who bought it, doesn't need it. The man who needs it, doesn't know it. What is it? Answer is scrambled:  cfonif 

A police officer had a perfect hiding place to watch for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit.  The officer found the problem around the bend: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

My husband tried the new drug "Viagra". It got stuck in his throat and he had a stiff neck for a week.

I used to have a life, then I got a computer with a modem!

A couple were starting to get along in years and the woman's health began to fail. She was a very materialistic person and one day she said to her husband, "When I'm gone you'll probably find someone else and bring her in and let her use all of my nice things, won't you?" 

He said, "Probably." "And you'll probably let her drive my new car too!", she lamented. He said, "Probably." Getting really irritated she said, "And I'll bet you'll even let her use my new golf clubs!" "No", he answered. "She's left-handed."

Why don't you see many blondes at Disneyland? Answer: The sign outside the gate says "Disneyland Left" so they all went home.

Why don't blondes breast feed their babies? Cause it hurts when they boil the nipples. Ouch!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver doors that moved back and forth revealing a small room. The boy asked , "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." 

While the boy and his father were watching in wonder, a very old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the silver doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the old lady rolled between them and into the small room. The doors closed and the boy and his father watched as numbers flashed above the door. They stopped and began again. 

Finally the doors opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman.  As they stood there wide-eyed,  the boy exclaimed, "Wow."  The father gasped, "Son. Go get your mother!"

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? Answer: She fell out of the tree.

What does Bill Gates do when his car breaks down? Answer: He closes the windows, gets out, gets back in and opens the windows again.

Why can't you tell a blonde a knock knock joke? Answer: She keeps trying to answer the door.

Three ladies shopping together at a craft show spotted some adorable teddy bears for $10 each. They each bought one and paid the craft vendor a total of $30. After they left, the vendor realized that there was a special of 3 bears for $25. She gave her son $5 and told him to find the ladies and split the refund among them. He found them, but decided it was too much trouble to split $5 three ways. Therefore he gave each lady a $1 refund and kept $2. Now, each customer actually paid $9 because each received $1 back from $10. So they each paid $9 times 3 customers equals $27. Add $2 (which the son kept) and you get $29. Where is the missing $1? If you figure this one out, PLEASE let me know!

          What did the tie say to the hat?  You go ahead and I'll hang around.

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